All of us remember the wonderful tradition of writing a letter to Santa Claus

to tell him what we wanted for Christmas. The imagination soared at the endless

possibilities of what Santa could bring. Making a huge list of what you wanted

was cute when you were five, but not so cute when you reach adulthood and are

about to be married. A lot of people feel you shouldn't be asking at all.

Therein lies the dilemma with using a bridal registry, and why so many

couples agonize over "to register" or" not to register". While it's not the

stuff of Shakespearean drama, it can be pretty vexing. However, if you follow

some simple rules of etiquette, you can have your cake and eat it too.

First of all, registering is as much for your guests' benefit as it is for

your own. A childhood friend who hasn't seen you in a few years won't be as

knowledgeable as to what you want, as your sister will. Registering gives them

guidelines. With that in mind, register at a few stores that offer merchandise

at different price points. It's fine to register at a high-end retailer, but be

sure that you also register at a retailer that offers lower end merchandise too.

In this way you leave it to your guests to decide how much they want to spend. A

casual acquaintance shouldn't be forced to spend as much as a family member.

Variety is not all the spice of life; it's also the spice of your actual gift

list. Be sure there is something on it for everyone's budget. But even before

you make your list, take inventory of what you have and then itemize what you

need. There's nothing more upsetting to a guest than to have their gift returned

to them because you forgot you already got one of those at your engagement

party.

The next question is how to get the word out. There are two ways you can go.

Try a concept that has become known in the advertising industry as "viral

marketing". That means you tell your immediate family and your wedding party

where you are registered and the types of items on your list and they spread the

word like a virus spreads an infection. They can also pass out registry cards if

your services provided you with them. The other alternative is to write where

you are registered in your bridal shower invitations. That is perfectly

permissible because the shower is for the purpose of "showering" the couple with

gifts. However, under no circumstances do you ever list any gift preferences or

bridal registry information in your wedding invitations. That is considered

really gauche.

And finally for the couple that has everything and really doesn't want gifts;

never indicate that in your wedding invitations. Remember a gift is gratuitous,

and as such the right to give or not to give belongs to the giver, not the

recipient. If you really would like guests to make charitable contributions

instead, register with the I Do Foundation, which will let them do just that. If

they insist on giving you a memento of your big day, accept it graciously.